Deep into Autumn, the season John Keats referred to as “the season of mists and mellow fruitfulness,” the one thing on everyone’s mind is a bird. Yes, November is the month of the turkey. How well do we really know the turkey? Sure, they bob and weave, but what else?
It is time to talk turkey.
Many believe the phrase “talking turkey” originated with the first settlers negotiating with the indigenous people. “Talking turkey” means having an honest and straightforward discussion. On the one hand, I can’t imagine less honest and less straightforward discussion than the negotiations than those between the settlers and the indigenous people. On the other hand, maybe the phrase “talking turkey” refers to the actual terms of the deal: All of your people’s land for one turkey.
For Beyond Reason, talking turkey is not a metaphor. For us, we are literally going to talk turkey. Well, we’re not talking, I guess. I’m writing; you’re reading. Thus, when we say we are “literally” talking turkey, we are speaking metaphorically.
Let’s start with a few basics. What is a turkey? The beast itself is a bird. Since we want to keep readers engaged, we will skip the fine print of domain, kingdom, phylum, etc. except to simply acknowledge that I’m sure the turkey indeed has these things if someone, for some reason, though I can’t imagine a reason, wants to look it up. Instead, we will turn our gaze to what people really want to know about turkeys which is: How are turkeys not extinct?
Experts disagree on exactly why turkeys are not extinct, but most agree that turkeys should absolutely be extinct. But, from an evolutionary standpoint, the turkey has only two things going for it: 1) 11 months out of the year the bird inspires wild indifference in most who observe it; and 2) a turkey can fly, albeit really, really poorly.
Now, in the interest of science and, more importantly, comedy, we will consider the physical appearance of a turkey. Turkeys have so many oddities in their physical appearance it will sound like I’m making this up. I am not making this up. These are real parts of a turkey. Turkeys have wattles on their necks, caruncles on the backs of their heads, beards on their chests and — I swear I’m not making this up — a protuberance over (and sometimes under) their forehead and beak called a snood. Let me pause here and just say that the word “snood” is likely the best word you’re going to read today. You’re welcome. One word of warning about the snood, though. Do not Google snood images. You cannot unsee a snood.
Let us continue with some fun facts about the turkey. The turkey is second, right behind the vulture, on a very short list I have called “Birds I would least like to cuddle with.” Turkey, the country, is named after its Turkish citizens, not the bird. The turkey is the only bird (I’m not making this up!) that migrates on foot. Flocks of turkeys often have a pecking order. To clarify: There is no actual order as to who pecks first or last. A pecking order is just a hierarchy. Atop the pecking order, flocks usually have one alpha tom who is also known as the top gobbler. I only mention this because I wonder if the term ‘top gobbler’ isn’t even better than the word “snood.” It’s neck and neck, I suppose.
Finally, the best fact about a turkey is that if you really want to befuddle a foe, call them “a turkey.” It’s such an abstract, old-timey, gentle, actual insult that it’s incredibly effective.
Yes, the turkey is an odd bird. I, for one, will celebrate the odd beast this evening by throwing back a glass of Wild Turkey, the robust Kentucky bourbon, not the somehow-not-yet extinct bird. Gobble gobble.
